‘Oh,’ nodded Oliver. ‘That explains so much. And why have you been snooping around this big house on your own, dressed in a short nightie and a robe?’

 

‘It’s like a disguise. I was up early and if I’m in my nightclothes,’ she replied softly, ‘it’s easier to explain why I’m wondering around parts of the house where I shouldn’t be. If I meet someone, I can say I’m lost or something similar. Perhaps looking for the stairs or looking for you.’ She smiled at him. ‘Are you in disguise as well?’

 

‘No, definitely not.’ He smiled back at her. ‘I’m naked.’

‘Oh well. I don’t think many people will recognise you naked, do you?’

‘Ha, ha. Hilarious.’

 

‘At least my disguise has some style and finesse. I think it’s rather good if you want to look like you’ve been to bed – on your own.’

‘Ingenious,’ declared Oliver. ‘So, what did you find?’

 

Danielle put a finger to her lips. ‘Does this marmalade taste a little too bitter to you?’ she asked, contorting her face at the same time she asked the question.

 

Oliver looked at her. ‘So many questions. Yes, it does a little. Didn’t you get a tray?’

Danielle nodded slowly and then, looking directly at the marmalade laden toast, she pulled another sour face. ‘Yep, I did and mine tasted bitter as well.’

 

‘So, you thought you’d check mine? Are you always this hungry in the morning?’

‘Yes,’ Danielle nodded. She pursed her lips and looked down at Oliver’s chest. ‘Aileen, by any chance? Is she responsible for your disguise?’

 

Oliver simply looked at her and said nothing. Now, feeling rather guilty about his hour with Aileen, he watched the private eye wipe a little butter from her lip.  

 

‘OK, hear me out,’ said Danielle. She’d woken early and took a tour of the house. Thinking everyone was still in bed and most likely asleep, she went downstairs. Low voices behind the library door surprised her. ‘It wasn’t easy to make out, but there was definitely Aileen, your mother, another woman and perhaps two men,’ she told Oliver.

 

‘After a while I realised who two of them were - your plotting cousins.’ Danielle nodded as she spoke. ‘Definitely.’ She looked at him, waiting for a reaction.

 

Oliver busied himself applying marmalade to a second piece of toast. ‘Should I presume you want half of this?’

 

Danielle nodded. ‘Yes, please. Don’t you think that’s odd, though? Your cousins being here. And there was this person I didn’t recognise – another woman.’

 

‘It is indeed strange,’ said Oliver as he cut the slice of toast in two, handing one half to his companion before taking a large bite of his own piece. ‘It actually begs a bigger question, don’t you think?’ Oliver yawned.

 

‘What’s that?’ asked Danielle, as she too stifled a yawn.

‘What is my mother doing, consorting with the enemy? Is she really my mother? If she is, it seems she’s more a baddie than a goodie? Is the enemy really the enemy? How many are there?’

 

‘It doesn’t bear thinking about. It’s all too complicated.’ Danielle’s eyes felt very heavy. ‘And that was a big question – several questions, actually.’ Her eyelids lowered, and she fought to keep awake. ‘I can’t stop feeling sleepy.’

 

Oliver heard her but didn’t respond. Sleep was quickly overtaking him. Danielle’s voice was now far away. If Oliver had stayed awake, he would have heard Danielle say: ‘And then, in a small study, I found a painting. It was of Andrew Cunningham, I’m sure, seated with a rather beautiful young woman. But it wasn’t Hettie.’ She yawned and her eyes felt heavier than she’d ever experienced before. Danielle fell asleep as well.

 

A little later, Aileen and Ingrid entered the room, each pushing a wheelchair. Two men accompanied them. One was Cousin Andrew. The other would have been more familiar to both Danielle and Oliver as Detective Inspector Duncan Dixon.

 

‘Right,’ said Aileen, ‘let’s get them moved in with the old woman. It’ll be easier to keep them all in one room.’ She regarded Oliver. ‘Shame about him though,’ she said, looking at Ingrid. ‘He has talents worth saving. Built for pleasure. I didn’t have time to check out the girl, though. Nice body.’ She lifted Danielle’s robe and short nightdress. ‘Very nice.’ She grinned. ‘What do you think, Andy? Could have been fun, yes.’

 

Andrew grinned inanely. Ingrid said nothing. She just smirked as the two men and Aileen lifted Danielle and Oliver into the chairs.

 

A little later, Oliver woke slowly. As the room came into focus, he realised he was lying on a bed facing a wardrobe. He sensed someone at his side, but he couldn’t move his arms enough to see. His head ached alarmingly; but he wriggled over onto his back. Danielle lay next to him. She stirred slightly as he rolled into her.

 

Oliver turned his neck as far as he could to look at her. Her eyes flickered as she woke. She looked blankly at him. She looked down the length of his naked body. ‘Fuck me,’ was all she murmured as she stared straight into his eyes.

 

‘Willingly,’ offered Oliver, ‘if only my movement wasn’t so restricted.’

Danielle’s face contorted. ‘Were we drugged?’

‘Pardon?’ Oliver’s attention had fallen on a nearby chair.

‘I asked if someone had drugged us.’

‘I know what you said.’ He tried to focus better.

 

‘Oh.’ Danielle paused. Oliver’s tone was curt. ‘I was going to say…’ she added quietly. ‘Never mind.’

Oliver looked puzzled. ‘I think we have company.’

‘We do?’

Oliver nodded. ‘There’s a woman slumped in a chair.’

 

Danielle lifted her head slightly for a better view of the room. ‘Oh, yes.’ She rested her head down again and looked at Oliver. ‘Is she alive?’

Oliver looked slightly alarmed. ‘I hope so. It’s hard to tell from here and I have a thing about sharing a room with a corpse.’

 

‘Me too,’ agreed Danielle. ‘You can have too many stiffs in one room, can’t you?’

At that moment, they heard a noise. The door opened and Oliver caught sight of Aileen, followed by ‘Hettie’ entering the room. They moved to Oliver’s side of the bed. Aileen was holding a gun. Danielle, who’d struggled to improve her view of the room, looked at Hettie. She muttered, ‘Fuck me,’ before letting herself fall back onto the bed.

 

‘Hope you enjoyed your sleep.’ Aileen placed the gun on the bedside table.

‘Yes,’ mumbled Oliver, ‘but I’ll never have marmalade in Scotland again. It was the marmalade, wasn’t it?’

 

Aileen nodded. ‘And now to business. I’d like you to meet my mother.’ She smiled at the woman beside her. ‘Her name is Mary; she’s Hettie’s sister-in-law. And just so you can complete a bit more of your family tree; she was married to Hettie’s brother, Stuart.’

 

‘Ah, I see,’ said Oliver. ‘So, over there, by the window must be Hettie, I presume.’

Aileen turned towards the armchair. ‘Yes, correct. That’s Hettie. That’s your mother.’ She looked down at Oliver. ‘She is alive, just… and for now. As are you, for now? And her,’ she smiled at Danielle, ‘for now.’

 

‘So why,’ asked Oliver, ‘is she slumped like that? Too much marmalade?’

Aileen’s mother laughed. ‘Spirited, isn’t he? Just like his mother,’ she said menacingly, ‘Always the wise guy. Well, not for long.’ She glanced at Danielle. ‘She’s not got so much to say for herself. I like her better.’

Oliver felt angry. ‘I’d like a bit more respect for my friend and a lot more for my mother.

 

Why do you need to treat her like that? What has she done to deserve it? She can’t be an enormous threat to all of you, especially at her age.’ Aileen said nothing, so Oliver continued. ‘Five of you and one of her. That’s bullying and I hate bullies.’

 

Aileen turned to Mary. ‘Did you hear that, mother? He hates bullies.’

Mary shook her head slowly. ‘Tut, tut. He hates bullies.’ She looked appealingly at her daughter. ‘Why don’t you hurt him?’ She looked excited. ‘Cut something off.’ She nodded vigorously. ‘Yes, that’s it, chop something off. Let’s take something as a souvenir.’

 

Aileen took her mother’s arm and stroked the back of her hand. ‘We’ll see, mother. We’ll see.’ She hugged her mother briefly and then turned to look at Oliver and Danielle. ‘But first people have to sign papers before we get rid and think about souvenirs.’

 

Oliver heard Danielle, her face up close to his back, mutter softly. ‘Fuck me.’ She’d been well and truly taken in by the Hettie, the actor and her supporting cast.

He looked at Aileen. ‘I’m happy to consider signing anything, but could I ask a favour first?’

 

Aileen looked blankly at him. ‘You might.’ She lowered her head and asked: ‘Is it anything we did last night? Do you want to do it again? It was good, wasn’t it? I really enjoyed you.’

 

She smiled at Danielle. ‘Sorry, girlie, but it was a pleasure.’ Oliver felt a hand tighten its grip around his genitals. He gasped, and behind him Danielle took a sharp breath. ‘Danielle, don’t say a word. Please don’t say it again.’

‘OK Oliver,’ was all he heard.

 

‘So, what is it?’ asked Aileen, as she let go her grip on him. ‘What is it you want to know?’

‘The truth,’ said Oliver. He looked straight up at her.

‘Ahh, the truth.’ Aileen turned to her mother. ‘What do you think? Should we tell them the truth? Should we tell them why we hate them?’

 

‘I’m always keen to know stuff like that,’ chipped in Danielle. ‘It helps with learning from our mistakes and becoming better people. Don’t you agree, Ollie.’

‘No,’ Oliver said agitatedly. ‘I don’t agree – I don’t want to know if people hate or are going to kill me and chop bits off. And please, no more of the Ollie.’

Danielle sounded hurt. ‘Sorry, Oliver.’

 

Mary perched on the bed next to Oliver. Her daughter picked up the gun and went around to the other side, and sat close to Danielle. She held the gun loosely and pointed it at Oliver. Looking directly at Danielle, she ran her hand up and down the private eye’s thigh.

 

‘So, where to begin? It’s such a long and complicated story.’ She smiled as her hand disappeared under Danielle’s nightie. Danielle gasped. ‘I’ll do my best to be succinct. But rest assured, I will use the gun. Killing is well within me. I have nothing to lose and so much to gain. So be still, my dears, be still.’

 

She gave a little laugh and leaned forward towards Danielle. ‘Actually, it’s difficult. You are quite the distraction.’ Danielle’s expression changed from surprise to alarm as Aileen’s hand moved. ‘Quite the distraction.’ Danielle could only stare at her captor in disbelief as Aileen’s eyes closed and her hand moved again.

 

Oliver caught sight of Danielle. She was trying to tuck her legs up, but Aileen wafted the gun in front of her face. Should he try to protect her, or should they both submit to Aileen and Mary in the hope an opportunity to escape might arise? He also glimpsed the gun in Aileen’s other hand. He smiled weakly as Mary’s left hand firmly gripped his thigh. Best keep our powder dry, he thought. Be brave, Danielle.

 

Aileen’s story unfolded. She and her brother, the police officer known as Duncan Dixon, hated auntie Hettie. She hadn’t showered their mother and her children with money, but kept it all for herself. So, they discussed auntie Hettie with cousins on the other side of the family. It seemed she hadn’t showered Ingrid and Andrew with money and gifts, either. Their lust for wealth and hate of auntie Hettie grew by the day. Unexpectedly, Hettie then announced her intention to find her only son, whom she had given away as a baby, to the staff because he was illegitimate.

 

‘So,’ said Aileen, ‘I will give you an hour to decide whether you’re going to sign a few documents. They’re all properly prepared. You, my dear Oliver, need to sign a document revoking all rights to the family name and relationship with your mother.

 

Danielle must sign to make it clear she’s done no work for anyone in connection with the family. Then you,’ said Aileen, leaning closer to Oliver, ‘need to sign a confession for Duncan in relation to the explosion at your house and looking for Hettie.’ She shrugged. ‘I’m not sure what’s in that one – Duncan’s writing it. I think you also admit murdering someone. Not sure who, but I’m sure Duncan has it all in hand.’

 

Aileen removed her arm from underneath Danielle’s nightdress. ‘Could be you.’ She looked at Danielle. ‘Actually, I’m pretty sure it is you.’

 

Aileen stood up and looked around the room. ‘We’ll get rid of the old dear eventually as well. She’ll sign her new will because we’ll threaten to kill her little Ollie. As soon as mother’s had her pleasure, of course, and cut off a souvenir.’

 

She smiled at them both. ‘So, that’ll be that. No loose ends. Money in the bank. Job done.’ She smiled down at Danielle. ‘I will miss you both. It’s been a pleasure – with each of you. Such a shame you won’t have the pleasure with Oliver because I think mother’s going to be in there sooner rather than later.’ She stood up. ‘Right, one hour.’

 

Her mother stood up and moved around the bed, standing next to her daughter, and smiled. ‘Are you enjoying this, mother?’ She didn’t wait for a response. ‘Good, let’s leave these good people to mull over their fate.’

 

At the door, Aileen paused. ‘You’re probably wondering if there’s an alternative to cooperating. There is – I shall kill you both.’

The door closed, and the room fell quiet. Throughout their ordeal, the woman in the chair hadn’t stirred.

 

‘I can honestly say that was the most bizarre experience of my life.’ Oliver turned his head to face Danielle. ‘Do you think the gun was loaded? Was it a real?’ He looked startled. ‘I’m not an expert. The last gun I owned shot dried peas.’ He turned to Danielle. ‘Also, I didn’t have a firearms license.’

 

Danielle looked down towards his groin. ‘Which gun are you talking about?’

‘I apologise for my nakedness. I really do. It’s embarrassing and, right now, very tiring.’

‘Tiring?’ quizzed Danielle.

‘Yes, the self-control thing.’

 

‘Which one of us brought that on… or was it just being in a group of women?’

‘Danielle, shut up. It was bizarre. All of it. OK?’

 

‘I’m glad.’ She smiled warmly at him. ‘I can honestly say I’m glad it was bizarre for you, because if it hadn’t been…’ Danielle shook her head. ‘Well, it would be just too weird to be true.’ She looked anxiously at her companion. ‘I’ll excuse you for not having a licence, but do you have a plan, Mr Bond? And does it include clothing?’

 

‘Huh,’ he replied. ‘You’re the detective.’ They looked at each other. ‘And is it my fault I find myself without clothing for the second time in 48 hours? I don’t think so. How many men do you know lose their clothes in such circumstances and twice at that? And if you’re uncomfortable with it, don’t look.’ There was a silence between them. Danielle mockingly raised her eyebrows.

 

‘Sorry,’ she said softly and made a kissing shape with her lips.

‘And, actually, I have a plan – and even though I say it myself, it’s very good.’

‘Excellent. Nice one, Sherlock. What does it involve?’

Oliver looked at her for a moment. ‘Living.’

 

‘Oh, good plan. I like that plan very much.’ They lay in silence for a minute. Finally, Danielle spoke. ‘The nakedness is a challenge though, isn’t it? I can’t really share with you, as my nightie and robe are both too small.’ She looked at the bed. ‘And there isn’t a duvet cover we can use.’

 

Oliver didn’t appear to be listening. ‘I’m sorry you had to go through that,’ he said, ‘her with her hand up your nightie.’ He looked at Danielle. ‘Are you OK?’

 

She looked thoughtful. ‘Yes, I’m Ok I suppose.’ There was a brief silence and then she added: ‘You know what’s really weird?’

‘What?’ asked Oliver.

Danielle blushed. ‘She’s…. I mean… wow. It was, in its weird, mad way, so good.’ She continued blushing. ‘Is that crazy? I was so scared, but… She must be bloody crazy.’

Oliver began wriggling. ‘No, it’s not weird. I know just what you mean.’

 

‘Actually,’ continued Danielle. ‘I must be crazy.’ She glanced at Oliver. ‘What are you doing? Your willy’s moving about.’

‘I’m just trying to sit up a little.’ Oliver pushed himself up against the bed frame. ‘Use me to push against and see if you can sit up a little.’

 

Danielle began pushing and squirming against Oliver.

‘Is it helping?’ he asked her.

‘Not really,’ came the reply. Danielle wriggled some more and finally sat more upright, leaning against his shoulder. Somehow, she sat up and they leaned against each other.

‘Better?’ asked Oliver.

 

Danielle nodded. ‘Much better. Thanks.’ She smiled at him.

‘Good.’ Oliver looked around the room. ‘Now we’d better prepare for the barmy army returning. We need to be ready for them. We’ll get one chance to overcome them, and we’ve also got to remember Sleeping Beauty in the wheelchair. What are we going to do with her?’ They both stared at the body slumped in the chair. Slowly, the head lifted, and the shoulders straightened.

 

‘Yes,’ said a voice from the chair. The head continued to lift, and the woman’s gaze met theirs. ‘What are we going to do about mother?’

 

‘Fuck me,’ said Danielle softly. Then she looked up at Oliver and back at the woman in the chair. ‘Sorry. The words just slip out sometimes.’

 

The woman in the chair appeared to be giggling. Danielle and Oliver looked at each other and then faced forward. The woman was sitting with her head buried in her hands. She composed herself.

 

‘So sorry. It’s just that when I first saw Oliver, he was naked. And here we are, all these years later, and he’s still not dressed.’

 

Danielle spluttered a laugh. ‘Actually,’ she said, turning her face to Oliver’s, ‘that is funny.’